9 Practical Strategies on How to Grow Your Self-Esteem and Sense of Worthiness.
Have you ever felt yourself “Not good enough”? First of all, you’re not alone in this.
Our culture makes us strive for perfection, Social Media just make it even more visible – it’s becoming a habit to compare yourself with others.
And if you don’t have a strong core belief of Enoughness, then it’s easy for you to be triggered in the current reality.
At some point in my life, I realised that no matter how much I was achieving, it was never enough to feel a sense of fulfilment.
So worked with many healing modalities for my own growth, and when I became a Holistic Therapist, I worked with 95% of people on this belief.
While presented issues might be very different on the surface – addiction, overweight, overachieving and burnout, procrastination, physical illnesses and more.
But underneath all of these issues, there is a sense of “I’m not good enough, so I should find it up from the external world”
This is my latest Live Class with 9 practical strategies using a holistic approach. And below you’ll be able to find materials from the session:
1. How this belief is formed?
As humans, we have two fundamental social instincts- the need for Linking, or it’s also called Connection, Attunement, or simply, LOVE.
And we also automatically RANK ourselves against other group members. It’s also connected to Authenticity, the need to express yourself, develop a personality.
All children are coming to this world with a natural sense of joy, love and curiosity. If the child at early stages wasn’t receiving enough closeness, love and emotional support from attuned parents/caregivers, they start creating explanations for themselves subconsciously. And it’s quite impossible for a dependent infant to think that they don’t have the capacity or there is something missing from their side. Rather, explanations like “there is something wrong with me”, “I’m not good enough” are being formed subconsciously. And later you know that subconscious belief is becoming a “tape” that is playing and that’s how a person sees the world. And the world will always reflect an internal state.
It’s all starting from the very moment the embryo is in the mother’s womb, sensing the environment. And if the mother is stressed during pregnancy, the infant will start forming their worldview.
2. How to recognise the “Not Enough” threat
Dr Elaine Aron after her extensive research noticed that there are few symptoms or coping mechanisms that can show the presence of Not enough belief on a core level. If you notice that you have one or a few of them, remember that awareness is always the first step to freedom. Once you know where the focus can be, you can heal it.
- Minimizing – “It’s not a big deal”, “It’s ok”
- Blaming others or the world, feeling not capable of dealing with a situation
- Avoiding competitions and opportunities
- Overachieving, to feel “enough”
- Additions like overeating, drug usage, compulsive shopping, gambling or anything that gives instant relief and the sense of wholeness for a moment
- Making others more important, pleasing others, inability to say NO
- Projection: attributing to others what you cannot see in yourself – either or unwanted or unacceptable thoughts or emotions
Reflect for yourself, on a scale from 1 to 100%, what is your level of feeling Good Enough about yourself at this moment?
3. Practice Self-awareness
Many people don’t even realise when they experience this belief, that’s why they feel trapped in the thought pattern or in their emotions that are arising because of this story.
Here is a daily practice that you can do:
Awareness practice- in the LIVE class you’ll find the guided practice:
- When you think that you’re not enough or experiencing any form of self-doubt, what’s happening in your body?
- What do you actually feel – is it fear, anger, shame?
- How familiar is this feeling?
- Notice what do you think at that moment about yourself? What do you believe in?
- What do you say to yourself in these moments?
- Start observing with curiosity and compassion.
4. Find the origin of this belief and heal the inner child.
Most of your emotional reactions to current situations are coming from the past. If there are certain parts of you that felt hurt in the past, they might be still replaying very much the coping strategy that they learnt in the past. If you didn’t felt hurt maybe while being 3 years old while hearing parents arguing, the only way for you to get through was to freeze and suppress feelings. Because you felt scared and alone, and there was no other choice. So this part is still trying to protect and save you from hurt, by suppressing and numbing feelings.
Or maybe, the part that learnt to use anger and rage or controlling habits – they might be still doing it, even there is no threat anymore.
There might be many different parts of you that are still using coping strategies that are no longer relevant, because you’re an adult and have way more options to choose from, you’re not a dependent infant anymore.
So if you noticed a certain uncomfortable feeling or thought is arising, use it as an opportunity to heal emotionally charged memories.
It’s important to acknowledge and process stuck feelings that the child was not able to express. In a safe environment, having space for yourself, with a therapist, or with a close person can hold space for you.
I often do it using Internal Family System approach, you can heal different parts of the Inner child.
And also you can revisit different moments in your lifetime to support the child-self, here is a powerful practice:
5. Shift the story about yourself.
While feelings that you’re experiencing are real, but the story behind it most likely is not even close to the reality.
So, if you feel not good enough, realise that it’s not a feeling, it’s a perception.
Then ask, “What specifically do I think that I’m not good at?”
And if you feel that you’re not good enough, let’s say, at work. Not good enough to apply to a position you want to.
Ask, “What’s the reality of that?”, “Is that true?”, “Is that always true?” and other Katie Byron questions on checking the reality of the situation.
That’s how you can you probably will realise that while you have all the expertise and experience at work, you “feel” not good enough.
How about changing the story, a great professional who is just feeling a bit afraid of a new position?
And deal with fear, what part of you feels that way? Stay with the fear with compassion.
And after processing actual feelings, shift the story:
Who would I be without this story of not being good enough?
What story I can tell about myself instead? What would people who love and appreciate me say about me?
Create the full picture. Yes, you might feel afraid right now, but you’re also an expert, you’re great with people, you have kind heart – create a map of all things that you feel good about yourself.
Remember the feeling in your body when you felt good enough. Practice it often.
6. Choose a new dimension of Enoughness.
Another problem is that you might have high unrealistic expectations of yourself to feel enough.
Right now check in with yourself – what would it mean to be Enough?
If images of success in all areas of life at the same time, perfection come to your mind, then realise that this is something illusional and not real.
Instead, choose another dimension of how you can feel a good enough, worthwhile person. Worthy person. A good person. That’s it.
Here, understanding your values is extremely important.
Download this Value exercise >>
Because usually, when it comes to the values and qualities of worthy people, then something like “kindness”, “compassion”, “honestly” might come up. It’s more close to what really makes you feel fulfilled and good about yourself.
7. Create Supportive Self-Talk
Create a Supportive voice, you can talk in the second person’s voice, studies show that it’s more effective: “My dear, it’s ok”, “Honey, right now you’re just starting this project with its first task, let’s just begin”.
In the beginning, you can mirror the voice of someone who loves and supports you, a compassionate and kind voice.
Deal with your inner critic. Instead of trying to fight it, try to understand their purpose, function and intention. How do they want to help you?
This is a part of you that loves you and wants to protect you. Have an internal dialogue, reassuring them that you’re safe now, that you can do this.
Also, some people have a critical voice that becomes so much bigger than them. In this case, give them a cute funny name.
Start empowering journaling. Notice 5 things you’re grateful for YOURSELF during the day.
Small things, not waiting for a big achievement, instead, celebrate the smallest steps every day.
“I was kind today in a grocery shop”;
“I noticed my anger today and I was able to observe it”
“I made really nice tea”
“I made my bed nicely today”
Note down, the way you lived your values today.
And notice when someone gives you a compliment – receive it with your heart!
8. Self-care: Stabilise your physiology and nerves
If you’re in a state of anxiety or depression or overwhelmed and tired, then your nervous system might be not in the right state for learning. If flight, freeze or fight responses are activated, the brain is wired to stay alerted to notice danger. Learning requires the social part of the brain to be activated instead, then you’re more likely to be engaged with all activities above.
If you feel that you need to stabilise yourself first, then start using proven techniques to balance the nervous system and provide an environment for your “social brain” to train. So you feel safe and open to learning.
Here are proven techniques:
- Breathing with slow exhalation
- Singing
- Playing instruments
- Dancing, Yoga, Tai Chi, Qigong
- Reciprocal play
- Social interactions
8. Conscious social interactions.
Some parts of the work can be done on your own, and for some parts of self-healing, it’s important to have a social support system, that can mirror back compassion and kindness, recreate a lost sense of connection.
- One or two people who can hold space for you when you need, non-judgemental, compassionate and ready to hold the space for you to discover your truth
- Working with a Therapist – these relationships might be also healing for your whole system
- Support groups
Find a new way to interact with Social Media.
Instead of staying scrolling in a distanced manner for hours, select people you want to see the most in your feed, engage by commenting, celebrating their journey, focusing on finding what’s similar between you.
But instead of comparing yourself to others, focus your attention on where you were 2, 6, 12 months ago compared to where you’re now, what did you learn on the way?
9. Reconnect to your essence by spiritual practice or staying in a FLOW state
Other modalities might help, Mindfulness and meditation are powerful ones too.
Finally, good enough of “good enough”
The point is not to be perfect all the time. If you’re feeling sometimes good enough only to 10%, that’s ok. Know that there will be a time when you’ll feel probably 80-100%.
And if on average you get 60-70% that’s good enough.
Most likely you’ll be getting some self-doubt thoughts coming back. Starting a new job, starting the new role as a parent, moving countries, getting through pandemics…
But if you know, how to get back, how to support yourself when you collapse – that’s what matters.
And the more you practice self-support, the stronger it becomes as your core belief. Then it’s easier to notice and dis-identify with not-enough-belief, to be in a present moment and with what actually is there. f
P.S. If you realised that you want to work with this belief, I invite you to work with me, I have only several clients at the time, so check with me if I have spots, but regardless, you can book a free consultation call with me, a Holistic Therapist Alsu Kashapova, learn more here >>
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